This, my fellow Swifties, is a bedtime story.
It is also the last part in the 10-part, “Golf for Swifties” series.
This is a story about a last-minute trip to South America I took a few months back that led me to the level of self-awareness, grace, and peace of my wildest dreams. It’s where “this side of midnights” led to immense growth.
So it goes:
Part 1: STL > DFW > BUE > MDZ > BUE > GIG > (maybe MDE/CTG)>PNM> LAX > STL (or so I thought)
Away from the routines of family life and daily responsibilities, my sister and I found ourselves reveling in a distance from obligations back home that meant we could relax without the pressure of getting things done (Can’t clean out your garage if you’re in the Atlantic Ocean. lol.) This dynamic led to a number of [insert a wide range of emotion-inducing] conversations that helped us understand more about each other. More on this later.
Our Adventures
During the day, Lindsey explored on her own while I worked from our hotel in Puerto Madero. Hotels are easily my favorite environment to work in for uninterrupted, deep thinking/innovation. While we didn’t get a chance to golf since I was still only 11-weeks post-knee surgery at the time, we explored the city, saw our first opera together, took tango lessons (I was the photog. #kneesurgery), ate all of the red meat (like, every part of a cow possible), and connected with people from around the world.
We ventured to Uruguay via the Colonia Express ferry. This was my sister’s first ferry experience, and it was so fun. We arrived mid-siesta and had few things to do but walk around the quaint, cobblestone streets, waving at dogs – a fav pastime of mine. This is where we really got to face unexpected silence, city-wide, in a way that allowed us to connect as two long-distance sisters, figuring out how to stay entertained. We were thousands of miles away from home, free of obligation and with no distractions, just enjoying being in a little town, even if most placed in it weren’t open half of our trip that day. That’s where our more candid conversations started.
Wine Country
We then headed to Mendoza, Argentina – South America’s wine country. Our hotel was beautiful. The room overlooked a snowcapped skyline of mountains, the inspiring kind, you know the type. Our friend-of-a-friend guide for the weekend, David, went to great lengths to ensure we got to experience the best parts of his city. We were able to hike in the Andes and took the opportunity to cross into Chile, where the mountains were next-level, real-deal. I felt in disbelief that I was even there. Do it if you can.
Part 2: This Side of Midnights
Midnights Become My Afternoons
Argentina threw us off our regular schedules, pushing dinners past midnight, a norm there that my body wasn’t jazzed about. It was during one of our (to us foreigners) late-night talks that a painful truth surfaced. I saw my sister, this beautiful, vibrant, “10/10 – would recommend for anything & to anyone” human, critique herself with harshness and express unreasonable expectations around feeling like she could be doing MORE, which left me confused. How could someone so wonderful feel this way. She’s already doing so much and for so many other people, yet has justified being hard on herself. Swifties, if you are fortunate enough to meet my sister, you’d quickly learn there’s so, so, so much to love about this beautiful human. She makes me look like a sleepy sea captain, leisurely walking through life. That’s how with it she is. She is #goals.
Mirrorball
In processing this later that night, I recognized myself in the line of thinking my sister held close to her heart and mind, as if it were 100%, undeniable truth. I was so easily able to explain that her perception was the product of internal reinforcement – but was not at all true given everything she has accomplished, carries on her plate, and especially considering how we were raised. Her intrinsic value was not attached to achievement. Yet, I’d never had a handle on that myself. Most people wouldn’t know that about me. That’s intentional.
Early Birds & Later Gators
After that night, I talked with Lindsey about how solo travel to Europe and the Middle East benefited my personal growth. We talked about how she is allowed to rest and that being by yourself with your thoughts (the ‘days by yourself for the first-time, uncomfortable for a day or two, and then it’s awesome’ kind) is imperative. Also, that the opportunity to lean into her own resourcefulness and situational awareness, would be paramount when navigating the next phase of her life. It would also honor her reason for wanting to visit South America solo in the first place: to show up for herself, and stop waiting for everyone else to live the life of her wildest dreams!
The next leg of our trip was to Brazil’s beautiful Rio de Janeiro, where we’d planned to celebrate my sister’s birthday exploring the vibrant city and melting into popsicle blobs while relaxing on the beach. I decided to be an early bird and head back to the States so my sister could be a lone later gator to experience the clarity and gain the self-reliance, independence, and peace that can, in theory, come with solo travel. Sure, she would be traveling without someone who has watched two, three, four karate videos online (me), but I knew she would be fine.
Part 3: It’s Me. Hi. I’m The Problem – It’s Me.
You’re On Your Own, Kid
That day, I flew back to Buenos Aires. When I landed, I found out Lindsey had been in a roll-over car accident in the Andes where she’d been hiking that afternoon. The two-lane roads with sharp cliffs on one side and equally anxiety-inducing, ominously loose-looking rocks on the mountain side are no joke. Luckily, Lindsey and David (the friend-of-a friend tour guide, turned actual friend) were pretty banged up but managed to find a little house nearby with an elderly woman willing to let them in before temperatures dropped too low (winter there, remember).
Shake It Off
Lindsey insisted she should come home, but listened when I said she should consider not going to Rio a failure. I stand by that to this day because I believe solo travel can rapidly propel someone to their next level of self-confidence. Rio is also pretty safe, all things considered. (South America is not the Big Bad Wolf).
Lindsey later told me that the solo trip helped her gain so much self-confidence and helped her find pride and comfort in her ability to acclimate in unfamiliar situations. (Like when she was routed to the wrong airport and had to extend her trip #latergator.) Seeing resilience and independence shine through you is empowering. As much as I wanted to go with Lindsey to Brazil, this was a much better outcome.
Welcome to New York
In the meantime, I flew back to the States without Wi-Fi. This left me alone with my thoughts. In seeing myself in my sister’s self-doubt, pressure to achieve more, and especially how she hides it from everyone like I do, I understood how my own pattern of beliefs had been perpetuating a narrative internally that wasn’t helpful. Breaking that pattern would need to start with not putting myself down and telling myself I’m not good enough/a better whatever/more considerate/able to stay on top of things or something. I saw how I could improve in creating an environment where feedback is just a part of the party. I’d preached and excelled at it professionally but had work to do personally, mostly related to my response to feedback from Colin. By the time I’d landed at JFK, I realized I’d managed to YETI Cooler-level insulate myself overtime out of self-preservation. Ultimately, this prevented the growth I aimed for.
I’d been wrong all along, holding up my progress towards peace, and didn’t even see it.
There’s nothing (not fun 😉) that keeps me up past midnight now. I finally understand how being overly self-critical has stripped me of joy. I’ve officially entered into my soft girl ERA, Swifties – no longer suffocating in a hard, candy shell armor. It took a ridiculously expensive trip to another continent to stop staring directly at the sun but never in the mirror, but it finally happened. And I am the happiest I have ever been as a result.
Hoping you, too, find yourself living the life of your wildest dreams. (**squeezes your hand three times in the back of a taxi**)
