This album was the soundtrack to my 2021 when I needed the blend of indulgence and distracting intellect most. It was a year that would end up forcing me to FEEL everything, get out of my own way, and grow like ivy. It was [insert expletive] hard and emotionally taxing to do the work. This was mostly because I didn’t understand I couldn’t carry the same volume of work and life obligations AND the emotional weight of addressing trauma, self-doubt, grief, etc.
I’ll Stare Directly at the Sun but Never in the Mirror
I wasn’t married to Colin yet, which was a good thing. I had so much work to do to be the kind of partner he deserves (I didn’t know yet that I’d never truly let him in – cue Satellite by Harry Styles). This path needed to start with shifting my focus from working for/on so many other things but myself, and onto my mental and physical health. I’d justified not addressing my own feelings. In so many ways. All to avoid feelings that amplified the void living rent free in my heart. I can say now that most of 2021 was spent feeling empty, and Colin had to repeatedly pull me out of it. I used to joke around and say I felt dead on the inside. But I wasn’t joking. (Seriously, check on your friends who seem okay.)
Golf & Grief
That same year when my 34-year-old brother died suddenly from covid, I descended into a level of misery I’d never experienced. We’d lost our dad in 2016 and my brother really stepped up to be a supportive male influence for the family. It was late-August, so golf became my refuge. That fall, I won several tournaments which demonstrates what harnessed grief paired with the support of fellow golfers can do. I’m not great at golf, but when I’m dialed in on anything, I’m a monster.
Beyond its ruthlessness and complex technicalities that can serve as a welcomed distraction, the game tees up strong exercises in self-empowerment and also reinforces the deeper principles of self-worth, commitment, and grace.
Showing Up for Myself
By bringing these lessons to life, I’ve grown exponentially. My attention shifted to finding my purpose, realigning with my core values, and determining my path forward. This introspection helped me advocate for myself, leading to a rest-inducing diagnosis of ADHD. This clarified many aspects of my life, highlighting the challenges I’d faced as a neurodivergent kid, teen, young adult, aspiring professional, and now, an emerging executive and entrepreneur – trying to thrive in a conventional world, not built for my mind. A few months later, I transitioned to Microsoft, where I have received the support and leadership I need to be successful based on my strong suits. I married Colin 6 months later and have spent my time since then with the principles of self-worth, commitment, and grace at the forefront of my growth and self-discovery. I truly believe I have golf to thank for my new level of awareness and for where I am now.
Closing Cliff Notes
Golf has been a transformative path for me, enhancing my self-awareness and refining my reactions in both personal and professional realms. The game has taught me the importance of positive self-talk, setting boundaries, and standing up for myself. Every round reinforces the value of continuous growth, humility, and accountability. And, it’s introduced me to this little thing called grace, emphasizing self-care and the power of forgiveness and self-love. Through golf, I’ve not only improved my game (still not great) but have also achieved an unfelt level of peace. Like my mind is quiet, for once. I love that for me and I’d love that for you too.
